Wow, today was a doozie.
Today I had a major break down..you know, those kind where you cry and sob so hard that you're taken back to those days when you were five when you cried so hard that you couldn't catch your breath. That was me, today.
I live in the house my grandpa built back in 1950, it's on an acre of property and I love it. The Red House, as we like to call it, has already been the center of many fun days, evenings, weekends. I have a vision for what it is meant to be and how I want things to be, including the acreage. It all has a purpose in my head. The dilemma, the reason for the complete meltdown? I can't do it by myself.
I work a full time job, plus some. I commute an hour to work, and an hour home. So that leaves, really, my days off to get anything done around the house. Well, for the past, oh, I dunno, 3 weeks, I have been trying to break down and put away the swimming pool that we set up for summer. I don't know if you've done that before but it's a lot more complicated than I realized. First, I poured in some bleach then while the water is still in it, I scrubbed out the bottom and sides. Then, you drain the water, or most of it..the rest I had to sweep out and manipulate over the sides manually. All of this has happened on different days in different steps, based on when I have gotten home from work while it was still light out and NOT raining. So this week I'm faced with the fact that we're probably in our last sunny days of the year and I'm desperately trying to figure out how I'm going to get all the water out of this 18 ft wide, 4ft deep pool and then get it dry so I can roll it up and store it and NOT have it all moldy next summer when we unpack it. On top of that, my dad is awesome and has been filling his truck up with wood from some trees he took down and I have already emptied one truck load into our woodshed, and this week he has another truck load for me. I had college community group tonight that I was overwhelmingly excited for but it was my night to bring snacks, plus as said before it's probably the last sunny day for a while and the lawn needs mowing and the rose bush needs to be tamed and the trees need to be pruned and oh, there's the tarp hanging on the swing set, I need to brush that off and fold it up, and I need to do laundry, and go to the bank, and spray the weeds. Plus, I would like to plant some bulbs but first I need to weed the front flower beds. Alice's kennel needs to be cleaned, and while I'm in there the garage is a mess, I need to get rid of those boxes and ...
So I'm wrestling with this huge pool. My dad had helped me yesterday, get most of the water out, laid it out in the yard to dry. I took towels out to sop up what little puddles of water there were and started trying to fold it up. Mind you, this thing is huge...and I'm trying to fold it up and roll it up and tie it up, by myself. I finally started crying, and the crying turned to sobbing and then I was in a heap, sitting on the rolled pool. What happened next is where I know I lost my mind...all I could think about was how when men have houses they just seem to take care of everything, how do they do it? The men I know, work and come home and do chores around the house all the while acting perfectly normal..and some even take care of their families after that... how do they do it? Then I started having this discussion with myself (in my head of course) about my independence and how, well, I'm single and I wanted to live in this house so I need to figure out how to get this all done and if men can do it I can do it....NOT. Sorry, if you disagree, sorry if you think we're all created equal, today I disagreed. Because this is where BEING the helpmate would be so much easier.
So in mid sob, I marched up the driveway to my mom and dads. My dad was plunking away on the piano, I walked into the living room, eyes swollen and red (well, and black from running and smearing mascara) and he looked at me, and I blurted out in between sobs, " I think you should sell the red house" and then he looked at me with the love that can only be found in men that live in households with more than one woman and he did not say anything he just hugged me. And all I remember saying, over and over was, " I just can't do it." and I rambled off the list of things in my head that needed to be done at the house and repeated, " I just can't do it by myself." And he very matter of factly said, "well you don't have to, WE can do it" and my response was (in another blubbering sentence) "but you shouldn't have to" And he said, sure I do, I'm the man in your life right now, so we'll do it." and then he hugged me again. My mom came in at some point and I'm sure with the hysterics going on was sure that someone or something had died but she soon figured out what was going on and lovingly nodded as my dad explained how he could and would help.
The pool is put away, my DAD unloaded the last truckload of wood, and I feel 10 times better just by having a good cry.
I still don't know when things will get done or when I will have a yard that comes anywhere close to the one I want. But I do know that I worry too much and what the Lord keeps trying to tell me is KNOCK IT OFF. I have a plan and you keep fretting over it... chill out because you are loved. Ohh yeah, what it comes down to? I am loved. I am loved by a very powerful God, who gave me loving parents that I so LOVE living next to and I am privileged to be living in my grandmas old house and be living with 4 very wonderful ladies, who the Lord has put specially here. So if the grass gets a little tall, or the rose bush takes over the clothes line, so be it. I am loved and have a blessed life.
