BURN BABY BURN

I can't figure it out. I can't figure out why I keep going round and round in this same circle. It's like a roller coaster- merry go round except there's nothing "merry" about it. I want off this ride but can't seem to figure out how to do it. Do I not have the strength or not have the heart or will God not let me... ? For far too long my journals say the same thing over and over again, asking God for the same help and crying over the same sentences. All I can think is that I want to burn my journals. I only have myself to blame. Or do I? I feel schizophrenic, scattered, lost, found, mad, sad, hopeful yet hopeless. I want to climb under the covers and hide for days... I want to climb a mountain and scream from the top of it. I want to climb out of my skin and I want a hug. And guess what... it'll pass, until next time.

Dimmer Switch

sometimes I do this thing...and I never really know I'm doing it until I'm deep in the midst of it. I turn off God. Not totally, not like an on/off switch, but more of a dimmer switch. I dont' mean to, rather I don't try not to. I just get soooo overwhelmed with life that is right in front of me that I forget to shut up and be still. The irony of it all is it's exactly the time when I need to be...quiet, that is, and listening, and trusting God to give me the strength to get through the stress but somehow I dim that switch, that God switch and start going about my business and slowly start losing my mind. Well this has happened again recently and what made me come to this realization is how AMAZING God is when I decide to turn Him back on. I do hit bottom and then I remember how badly I need my savior, and how badly I need His strength and his direction and His wisdom. I ask for forgivness and put Him back in the spotlight of my life to let Him lead me and guide me. A couple of weeks ago, I started being quiet again, started listening and paying attention, again and sure enough, He as still there, waiting for me. Such a patient God! He told me that I needed to start preparing for a leap... but that not to fear because HE would help me fly. I want to fly...but you can't just stand still and take flight, you have to run and jump. Well I did and so far... things look good from up here... things look good from this flight. Why does the Lord love me so much? I certainly don't deserve it. If only I would remember that every day I hit bottom without the love of Christ, everyday I need HIS strength and love and mercy...

So after all the run ins with dragonflies...and my earlier post... tonight, we're at dinner with The Tuttle's and Rylee starts drawing a picture, I look over and can see that it's a flying creature and I ask her, "Rylee, is that a butterfly or a dragonfly?" She says, " a dragonfly" I sat amazed for a little bit and then told her how much I loved it but also begged her to keep it so I could put in on my fridge. Just one more reminder that it's time to fly out that open door... now I just need to find the door.

The Dragonfly...

I love things that fly.. especially butterflies and dragonflies. In Mexico, was my first real interaction with butterflies as they were my guide on many glorious walks on the beach with God.. they would dance in my hair and at times, I think I could hear them singing to me. I haven't seen many butterflies this year. In Oregon, on a visit to see my mom, I actually bought a pendent made with a butterfly wing and I told my mom that it was to symbolize that one day I will come out of this cocoon and be a beautiful butterfly.. one day I will fly. I have been doing some serious evaluation on my life and yesterday as I was on my way out I saw 3 dragonflies and they weren't' just flitting around one almost smacked into my windshield as I was driving down the road. I love them... I think they are the most beautiful, awkward, flying creature. They seriously just look clumsy to me. (kind of like myself... a bit big and clumsy.) This morning as Charlotte and I sat in our living room, she doing her homework and me reading a book I heard this bizarre noise... it was a very large dragonfly that had gotten inside and was between the blinds and the window. He kept flying around and then back at the window. The door just to the left of the window was WIDE open but he didn't want that, or didn't know how to find it.....
I decided I wanted to know more about this clumsy creature. And well, the funny thing is that a dragon fly has 6 legs but cannot walk. A dragonfly can only FLY. I want to fly through life, soar and even if I'm big and clumsy and look silly to some, I want to do it anyway. How often do I sit and gaze out the window wondering what it would be like on the other side, when there is a WIDE OPEN door right next to me?
We let him hang out for a bit and then I went over and tried to prompt him along... for his safety and with a little prompting he flew toward me but then right out the door and into the sky.
It is said in some Native American beliefs that dragonflies are a symbol of renewal after a great time of hardship.
Maybe seeing them is just the prompt I needed to move a little to the left and fly through the door.

Willy Wonka...

You see, nobody ever goes in and nobody ever comes out!

Sometimes my heart feels like that chocolate factory. I churn and churn all day and massive amounts of thing happen in my heart in a day, things produced, things learned, happiness and sadness but mostly people just walk by. They may look over the fences I've built and wonder what goes on in there but they don't even ask to come in because from the outside it's not very inviting... dark and gloomy. And don't get me wrong, there are a select few that are allowed in.. the special ones, the oompa loompas that help me churn and work with me in my heart but there isn't that one special person.. that can laugh and be joyful at success and cry with me over sorrow. Have I been stingy with my golden tickets? I think sometimes that I have but then I'm so scared to get another Mr Slugworth, Mike Teevee or Augustus Gloop... they want in to see what all the mystery is about but they don't really care what's happening.. where is my Charlie Bucket?

Spring...just a reminder

Spring...just a reminder

Today, my mom posted a picture of a hyacinth, my hyacinth. She tagged me in it and when I saw it, it made me cry. You see, that hyacinth was planted by my wee hands when I was little, maybe 6 or 8 and every year at this time it comes up.I remember the day I asked my dad if I could plant a garden. I picked a plot of dirt in the midst of their 4.5 acres and gathered rocks and had a little walk-way and then in the front were some twigs that I layed out for a little wall type boundry for some planter boxes. It was my garden. In the little planter box type things I planted bulbs. The rocks and twigs are long gone, the dirt is covered with fallen maple leaves and grass but every year that ONE hyacinth comes up and every year I get more and more sappy about it as life changes and dreams are broken or come true and new ones are made... just as life goes on, in spite of it all. That hyacinth reminds me of a faith I didn't know I had at 8 years old. It reminds me of fresh starts, it reminds me that even after being covered with dead leaves and weighed down by grass and muck... you can still break through and bloom. I want to bloom and I want you to bloom too.

jello feelings...

Sometimes I feel like jello...and not just because my butt jiggles but because sometimes things come my way and depending on how long I've given myself to "set" they'll either bounce off or submerge themselves in my being and either create a better me or submerge themselves and I become the pea, carrotts and jello salad that my grandma used to make, that I hated. Today I haven't set long enough and things have submerged themselves in my emotions and have made me sad. You know some people LIKE peas in their jello, it's okay with them so when they throw peas in your jello, they don't know that you're not okay with it (unless you tell them) Today I let some people throw peas in my jello and it hurts....I wish I was set enough to let it bounce off, today I'm not and today my feelings hurt.

Musgo

I have fond memories of a night in the Mills household called Musgo. At the time I just remember thinking how fun it was but now that I look back , it probably had some root in financial issues but regardless. It left fond memories and I didn't remember them until just now. My mom would take everything (that wasn't growing hair) out of the fridge, re-heat it and call it Musgo, translated means everything in the fridge MUST GO. I think I'm ready to have an emotional, mental Musgo. You know, place all the CRAP in my heart and head out on the table and just sift through it. If at some point it was a good meal, well then it will hold up better and might be worth keeping for a little longer but the other things. the things that were my favorite to hold onto, those sob stories, well... I think they can go, I think they MUST GO. Tonight I'm having Musgo.

Losing Marbles

I have kept a journal off and on for years, all of which are filled with stories and prayers and yearnings. I wonder at what point it became so popular to share your journal in a public forum called a blog? Well, I guess I have found it so interesting to read others that maybe, just maybe someone wants to hear what goes through my crazy head. That is if I decide that I really, truely want to share what goes through this brain of mine. We will see...