For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

HE loves me this I know, 

HIS ways are higher than mine, 

HIS thoughts are higher than mine, 

Why do I question HIS plans? 

Why do I question HIS love? 

HE loves me, HE loves me not, 

HE LOVES ME! 

Growth

I haven't written in a really long time.  I find that I want to write but then I discover, nothing monumental has happened, I"m still in the same foul mood I was in the last time I wrote.  An un-holiday lasting a little longer than normal.  Not to say that I haven't had fun or haven't felt joy but I live my life in the state of Lonely Valley.  You may be reading this and think, well sheesh girl, make a choice, get over it.  AND those days where I experience joy and laugh and smile, those are the days I choose to climb up a brown grassy knoll to feel the Son on my face.
Last week I flew to California on a BEAUTIFUL summer day.  As we flew out of Washington I got a view of the lush greenness of our state, Mount Rainier, all the beautiful blue that surrounds us in lakes or other bodies of water.  It was breathtaking.  As we started our decent into California I could see the water but everything else was pretty brown.  Rolling brown hills, yuck.  EXCEPT for the valleys of those rolling brown hills.  In the valleys were lush green.

Why is it so hard for me to remember that if I want it, there is a tremendous amount of growth occurring in this time in the valley.  I could be the most healthy plant around the rolling brown hills...I just so quickly become weary of the loneliness and work that is required for growth.  

My very own un-holiday.

If you know me at all, you know I am not a whiner and I hardly cry...well except at corny commercials.  I know, weird.  But today on my way home, tears started to flow and they did not stop until I realized I had driven much of my 405 trip and didn't remember it so I forced myself to stop crying because if I didn't, I'd have to pull over and I wanted to get home more than I wanted to cry.  

So what spurred this outburst?  Oh well, some would say a long day at work, or PMS but really it's what I call a bad Single Day.  I don't think many people reading this can or will relate to this..because they're not 35, never been married, no kids and still single... which is part of what creates this day for me.  They come a long kind of sporadically and they don't even really have to be provoked.  They just happen.  It's a very un-holiday.  

A bad single day is when I let my life get the best of me.  When reality of where I'm at takes hold and holds me down. Today I think THIS is what happened... the sun came out and I wanted someone to spend the rest of the beautiful day with me.  Someone that WANTED to be with me.  Someone that would find something fun to do or someone that would just have fun being with me and me with, well, lets be honest...him.  And then it hits the snowball effect.  I begin to realize that one of my friends is on the other side of the state, living her life with her husband and 2 kids for a soccer tournament, another one is headed to a BBQ and after that I can only imagine that everyone has fun things going on because they didn't work all day, they're husbands or boyfriends even if they did have to work are off now and ready for an evening of fun.  And as the snowball gets bigger so do the tears and the heartache as I realize that I COULD go hang out with my single friends who all happen to be about 12 years younger than me because early 20's is the age that fits where I am in the social ladder...not that I don't enjoy hanging out with them because I love them all dearly and I know they love me.  It's just on a bad single day, it's not what I want. So as this big snowball continues down the slope then I finally decide to reach out to the very FEW people I have in my life that are in a similar place and I text, I call and no response...so now I'm back to the beginning with the confirmation that it's true, no one wants to hang out with me, no one wants to spend time with me and as I write that I feel like I should add the tag line...guess I'll go eat worms.  Because it truly sounds pathetic, kind of...but then again... the truth IS in the uneventfulness of my evening, as I sit at home alone...phone NOT ringing, no plans, empty house.   

Daddy's Girl...

I adore my dad.  I just can't help it...it's what girls do, or those of us blessed girls.  But what I've realized in this past year is that I not only adore my dad for the father he was to me, tried to be to me, wanted to be to me and IS to me but I finally get that I respect him for the man he is, for the husband he was,  and is trying to be.  You see, because he is a grown man and  yet has admitted areas that he needs to work on and has gone about changing them.  He has not chosen to be stagnant or content with where things were at, he has chosen more.  He has gone about being deliberate about his actions and what he does with his time and who he spends time with.  And lately that's been my mom...but also me when I need help at the house or with friends.    So now, I no longer just look at him with those little girl eyes and want him to throw me up on his shoulders but I look at him as a woman and recognize the characteristics of a strong Godly man!  Thank you Dad!  I love you.

confessions of a SWF

• sometimes I weep at the thought of living my entire life alone. 
• I thank the Lord often for my amazing parents. 
• at 35, single, with no kids I rarely feel like I fit in ANYWHERE. 
• my favorite candies are Bottlecaps
• I really hate my elbows
• sometimes I lay awake at night, wondering about the what ifs and could have beens. 
• I love a man that can make me laugh
• I long to experience pregnancy and be a mom 
• sometimes I just cry, and hope that if I'm going to be alone that God will send me to some far off land. 
• I really hate my elbows
• I wish I could play the guitar and sing like an angel 
• I don't freak out about recycling
• some days I'm thankful I don't have a husband, other days I just cry. 
• I can often see the character in people, even when they can't see it themselves
• I have untapped talents, I just know it. 
• I don't care how many calories are in it, I really like ranch dressing
• I would take sugar candy over chocolate most days 
• I know how to love and love others often but have only deeply loved once
• and I'm still not sure if I've recovered
• I think putting gas in my car is a huge waste of time
• at 35 I've grown to love my big beautiful bootay.  
• I have a love affair with coffee
• I dance barefoot in the rain...sometimes
• giggling is my favorite past time but I don't do it enough 
• I'm attracted to men with depth to their eyes and strength in their hands
• I can make pot roast and yorkshire pudding
• I throw things away...on a whim and then regret it later
• I secretly love me some country music in the summer
• which reminds me that I loved growing up in Snohomish
• I love, love, love the legacy of the red house 
• My mom is the strongest woman I know.
• I vow to continue growing and learning...as long as I live. 
• No matter how much pain my heart endures, I will always love.  

Perspective

This weekend God gave me some perspective about what is important in life...
I got thrown for a loop and landed in a pile of ...well let's just say I was not in a good place.

As a result I deactivated my facebook account and spent the weekend face to face with people and things I love.  I set out Saturday, early, to chew what I had bitten off.. a tough task.  I wanted to dig out my raspberries, dig out my blueberries and finish planting my garden.

Craig and Kathleen graciously offered to come over and help till up a little spot of land for my corn.  They showed up and did much more than that!  They got out of the truck, with Maggie in tow (who was more than happy to romp around with Alice all day)  and the first thing out of their mouth was, what can we do?  Oh, well I drug the rotatiller down from my dads, I just need that little patch tilled up.  Kathleen looked at me and said, well what else?  What are you working on here, as she gestured to the raspberry patch mess.  Ohh well, I'm trying to dig that out, and the blueberries.  Okay, and we got to work.  I had no idea they had planned on spending the afternoon helping me attack the monster that is my yard!  My heart did a cartwheel and I smiled the entire day.
 Of course, as I type this...I can't lift my arms above my head but it was all worth it.  The Loverbys brought their service hearts and loved me in a way that I didn't know I needed loving.

The yard has a lot of work but what I needed most that day was the love...what got accomplished was a bonus.

And I'm a quick study...I reactivated my facebook account, with a few adjustments and totally different mind set.

SPIRAL

It started.  It's unstoppable.
The spiraling down from no where near the top.

One man, one word.
No one, no words.

The festival of hope dashed with inaction.
Thoughts of wonderment and fun destroyed by one action.

Assumptions are made,
hearts hurt
... paralysis begins.

Don't strive for the top,
or get comfortable with hope,

marinating in the bottom of hopelessness
... confusion
the bottom.