Standing in the gap...

For as long as I can remember, yeah, because I was going to say for the past 10 years but I think even before that...my dad has either had delivered or delivered himself, flowers and a card to me on Valentine's Day.  He has been my faithful Valentine, full of unconditional love for me for a very long time, and I've adored it, and him.

This morning, I awoke, very, very excited about my first Valentine's with Dana.  Then, I felt a little twinge of sadness.  I knew that as exciting as having a Valentine was, it also meant that I would probably NOT get a valentine from my dad.  So I reminiced with the girls at work about the past 10 years, places I've been when getting those flowers, things the cards have said and just how blessed I was to have a dad that would stand in the gap willingly and be my valentine.

I was wrong, I got one last delivery today.  My dad showed up with 6 red roses and a card.  Just his presence made me want to cry, and I laughed and said, "oh this will be the last time"  and he laughed to and said, "um yes."   I may have been able to hold it together out front, but I took the card back to my desk and what he had to say there made my eyes leak.He told me how honored he had been to be my valentine for so many years and how thankful he was that the years that he couldn't step in, God was there.  He went on to tell me that he was very comfortable passing me off to the very capable hands of Dana and very matter of factly stated that if Dana loved me half as much as he did, we'd do just fine.  Oh and we will, I got home to a dining room table covered with different sized paper hearts, in the center was a beautiful arrangement of my favorite flower and a card.  A card that would make you sob if you read it, a card that was actually created, with paper, pens and glue.  But most of all, created from the heart of the man my dad has passed me to.  A man that adores me, a man that took the time to MAKE me a card because he "knew what he wanted it to say" We spent the evening doing exactly what I wanted to do.  We watched movies, had chinese and enjoyed each others company. 

I am a blessed woman.  May I never forget it. 

But it WAS a romantic getaway....

This time last year I was in a VERY different place in my life.  I had just begun to understand, or think I understood, what it meant to be content, what it meant to really allow God to be in control, what it meant to let the Lord turn your life upside down.  For this "planner" I was not too excited about that. On a rainy February day I stood on the beaches of Westport and told the Lord I would change my mind, that I would allow Him to be the one that made the decisions, that I would stop thinking that I knew what I wanted and that I had it all figured out.  I let HIM croon to me and was content knowing that He was the lover of my soul.  Don't get me wrong, I still know all those things but I had no idea that that heart change, that that faith and all the faith leading up to it would bring me to where I am today.  And it all began a short week after that day in Westport.


The following week was Winterblast, a youth retreat in Eastern Washington and as the name suggests, it's a lot of fun in the snow.  I was preparing for the weekend and beyond giddy.  I had not served at a youth event for over two years and I was sooo excited to be a part of this and be used by the Lord in this capacity again.  We were going to be there over Valentine's Day so I bought fun little things for the girls in my cabin and the Lord even prepared me for Valentine's Day in a devotion the few days before.  It was The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior (Who saves)! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest (in silent satisfaction) and in His love He will be silent and make no mention (of past sins, or even recall them); He will exult over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 Amplified Bible...I was ready to have a great weekend.  And THAT I did.  That weekend I was reminded what if felt like to be adored, to laugh from the depths of my gut, to have a smile stuck on my face and to do it all in the midst of loving God!  That weekend, I saw Dana Swanson for the first time as a man, as a man I could love, as a man I might just be attracted to, and it kind of freaked me out.  Laugh if you want to, but up until then, I saw him as a brother, a friend.  I have gone back and read my entries leading up to that weekend and then after that weekend and have actually shown Dana just which ones were written with HIM in mind.  You can too, most of them are.  I didn't know what had happened that weekend, what I do remember are a few things... I remember wanting ever so badly to spend every waking hour with him, because all we did was laugh and joke and have a good time, but then what kept ringing in the back of my head was how obvious it was going to be that we were always together if I did that and I didn't know what I was feeling so I didn't want anyone else thinking anything and I wanted to be a good example, but what I have found out since then is HE was doing what he could to MAKE sure I was with him as much as possible.  The other thing I recall is that on the actually evening of Valentine's Shane had bought several boxes of elementary style valentines.  He passed one out to everyone and had us write an anonymous note on them.   Because I had so recently been ministered to by the amazing verse in Zephaniah, I wrote THAT on there and prayed that whoever needed that as much as I did would get it but also secretly hoping it was Dana.  So Shane dumped them all back into this huge basket and then passed them all out again.  After it was all said and done, I approached Dana and was showing off my Lightning McQueen tattoo, when he pulled out the tattoo he had gotten, I recognized it and sure enough he had gotten the tattoo, I had written, I looked at him in awe and said, " hey that's mine!"  Apparently, he kept it.  
The months following were a modge podge of days where he would randomly call to ask a question, or me making Sunday night dinners a weekly event instead of sporadic, just so I could be sure to see him at least once a week.  He started using Facebook more, just to know what I was up to and posted status updates, just in case I cared where he was...and of course I did and on October 30th, when I decided to stop by the shop, my life would change, forever.  


Now, almost a year later...Winterblast is in 2 weeks.  I am engaged to the love of my life, my best friend.  A man that learned to love me, as a friend, long ago.  A man that I have respected for several years now, that has turned into a deep respect and excitement to spend the rest of my life with him.  I am so grateful, so in awe, so amazed at all the tiniest of details the Lord thought of.  And shhhh don't tell anyone but last year, Valentine's weekend, at Camas Meadows, WAS a romantic getaway...we just didn't know it.  

The Proposal

 We had only been officially dating for a few days when the conversation of a wedding came up.  I was flabbergasted and told him we were NOT having this conversation because at this stage in the game, I was only supposed to dream about that and giggle about it with my friends!  We ended up having that conversation where he told me that he had figured out his intentions before he ever opened his mouth...that October Saturday afternoon in his shop.  And that when the time was right, he was going to talk to my dad.  I had always dreamed of a man with enough integrity to care what my dads thoughts and feeling were on the subject...so I now had one more thing to respect him for.  

We patiently waited for my dad to return from a trip he had taken to Montana and on Saturday November 20, 2010 ( My birthday weekend!)  We made arrangements to go to my parents for the evening.  My mom knew what was happening but my dad did not.  I took my mom downstairs and gave her a massage to leave Dana and my dad alone.  I, of course, have only gotten bits and pieces of the conversation but the most important being the part where Dana told my dad that he thought I was an amazing woman, that he loved me and that he would like his permission to marry me.  My dad's response, SURE!   

Meanwhile, my mom and I are downstairs, and I am dying!!  I want to know everything that is going on, what is being talked about and when can we come back upstairs! ??  Finally my mom hollered up and asked if we could come up.  I discovered my dad had given his blessing and we sat down and talked about some details.  

My mom was overjoyed and was very excited to start telling people.  I told her she could but not by way of Facebook that for that she had to wait!  We had a toast and Dana and I walked back down to the red house.  My mind was reeling...I had to start planning a wedding, I had to do this and do that ... we walked into the kitchen and Dana looks perplexed.  He blurts out "this is all wrong."  " What's all wrong?"  I ask.  " THIS!   You're mom wants to start telling people, we're planning but I haven't officially proposed."  I felt bad and started to hug him, assuring him that it was going to be okay.  "  I can tell my mom NOT to tell people."  I did not want to get in the way of whatever he had planned, and did not want him to feel rushed or any of that.  But then he said, "No forget it."  and he dropped down on one knee in the middle of the kitchen floor my hands in his, Alice jumping around between us and he looked at me and said "Will you marry me?"  I cried, stood up hugged him and kissed him while of course saying YES!!!  

He had not planned on proposing on the kitchen floor but when it comes right down to it, the kitchen at the red house is where much of our falling in love had taken place, so it actually was absolutely perfect.  

Mrs. Swanson...

It's been a while since I posted an entry...I've had soo many amazing emotions streaming through my mind, heart and soul, it's hard to sit down and express them in words.  I am in the process of documenting the past 9 months so I will never forget every tiny little detail of Dana and I falling in love.  The Lord has been ever so gracious, slowly revealing to us, His hand in every last part of it, and it's amazing.  I'm pretty sure words can't do it justice, you pretty much need to see the smile on our faces and the glow in our spirits to know how blessed we feel.

 

The New Tenants

Butterflies have taken up residency in my stomach and lightning bugs are in my heart.  I hadn't been looking for these new tenants, didn't even know that there was a vacancy but they've moved in and I couldn't be happier.

They moved in on October 30th and I instantly began loving how much they annoy me.  You see, they apparently don't eat much but they're really good at fooling me.  They will flit around all morning and then all of a sudden be starving so I'll start to nibble on something only to discover the butterflies weren't really hungry.  They also have very strange sleep patterns, like they DON'T.  They party all night long and while I can usually trail off into a slumber for a little while, they're back at it before the sun rises, flitting around in my belly.   The butterflies have been around before...they tend to come and go and that's okay.  I know they will leave at some point and come around less and less, but that's okay.
 It's the lightning bugs that intrigue me.  It's the lightning bugs that I'd rather have take up permanent residency.  The lightning bugs in my heart are brand new to me.  They moved in a few days later and tend to be a little quieter during the day but when they're awake and going about their business, I cannot think straight.  It's like I'm a sparkler, with tingly electrifying shocks traveling up and down my entire body and as shocking as it is, I don't ever want them to leave.

I know butterflies and lightning bugs have taken up residency in other people I know and I've also seen people when they've moved out.  I wonder if anyone has tried as hard as I plan on to get them to stay.  I want to be hospitable and a good hostess.  I wonder if that comes just by acknowledging that they're there, and special.  I don't really know but what I do know is that I'm going to enjoy ever second that I have no desire to eat and every moment that I lay awake at the wee hours of the morning and will forever be in awe of the lightning bugs that make me feel like a sparkler on the fourth of July...

The Creator has spoken...

The author of The Brazilla Gorilla Balancing Act would like to publish a retraction.
You see it has become clear to her recently that she has a pretty good memory and may have been lacking in her faith the day she posted the last entry.
Because she DOES remember how to be vulnerable and take chances...that is ultimately what brings you the most excitement.
She knows all too well how it feels to want to talk and feel like you may never run out of things to say or that feeling that if you could just think of one more thing to say you wouldn't have to turn and walk away.
And where in she's not always selfless, she tries. and has been given a measure of compassion, from the Lord that in turn, will give her patience, if she needs it.

a bicycle built for two

is it possible to forget...

forget how to love?

sometimes I think I may have forgotten how to be vulnerable 

and take chances.  

sometimes I'm afraid I have forgotten how it feels to have a conversation that you never want to end, 

a moment that you can't turn away from.

sometimes I'm certain I don't know how to be selfless enough to be in a relationship, 

compassionate enough to listen 

patient enough to wait.  

and then sometimes, I think....

it MUST be like riding a bike.  

I hope it's like riding a bike,

 you never forget.  

I hope one day I will hop on and start peddling, knowing full well that there may be fear, and it may be shaky but if I just keep on peddling, it will straighten out and I can start coasting and enjoying the ride.