Blooming.

Recently I had an old high school friend contact me on Facebook.  It was one of the nicest e-mails I had gotten in a while.  She told me that she found it funny that my posts were ones that she looked forward to and that my life seemed to just come together so magically almost as if all of a sudden, it gave her hope.  

I happen to know that it WAS indeed magical.. the kind of "magic" that only GOD can supply.  I know that my story, my life was completely orchestrated by God.
What I also know is that at some point, about 5 years ago, I made a conscious decision to LIVE my life.  I chose to be deliberate about what I was doing, with who, why and when.  I listened to the Lord and was grateful for a house full of young women that all got a long.  I was thankful for friends that embraced me in their growing families as the "auntie".  I was happy to have a job that was fun (most of the time) but that did a good job of supporting me.  I had found that long lost, often sought after thing we call contentment.

Yesterday while driving through the tulip fields, I found what I think may have been my favorite field.  It was actually a field of daffodils that had already seen their prime, they had bloomed and were wilting some still yellow but not bright and vibrant.  In the midst of them were these pinkish red tulips that were standing ever so tall, blooming as they should.  It reminded me how very important it is for us to do what God created us to do; to grow closer to Him, living out the will he has for us... to BLOOM.  We are to BLOOM, right where we are, even if we're surrounded by people that are negative, or people that don't want to grow OR have grown to their potential and stopped.  We need to reach to the Lord and grow, and bloom and rejoice for that is where God has us, right now.

Tattooed Mommy

When I found out I was pregnant, I actually put into thought whether I would be one of those moms that got a tattoo representation of each of her kids.  I'm not a tattoo addict, I have a few.  I have a really stupid one that I got a when I was 18 that is the stereotypical "first tattoo"  picked it out of a book and everything.. and not it's NOT a rose, it's not THAT stereotypical.  My second tattoo was one that I designed and I still like it.  I'm just not fond of the location. THAT is stereotypical - my lower back.  My third tattoo I got 2 summers ago, it's on my foot and I LOVE it.  It's a dragonfly and stars with the verse Jer.  29:11.  It was representative of a turning point for me (3 months later I was engaged!) and the fourth tattoo was my engagement ring - the greek word pistus which means faith.  Dana has a matching one and I LOVE it.

So, after Avery was born and I decided I indeed wanted a tattoo that reminded me of what a miracle he is (as if his cute little face isn't enough??!!!)  I spent some time thinking..ya know, about 4 months.  At first I thought I would get his little ankle band from the hospital on my wrist.  But then I realized the writing was just too small for that to be a quality tattoo.  Then one day as I was sitting on the couch remembering that day, it came to me.

The day that Avery was born, I was very sick.  I was throwing up, had diarrhea and was a little scared but I felt Avery have the hiccups twice that day so I knew he was okay.  Later that night when we decided to call the midwife, she asked me if I had felt any movement and I said, "YES, he had the hiccups earlier"  She wanted me to come in to be monitored.  As you all know, he was born later that night, via emergency c-section.  The next morning that same midwife came in and expressed just how glad she was that we thought to call and that we came in and she went on to say " I knew when you told me ALL you felt was hiccups that he was in distress."  The VERY thing that had given me HOPE that day was also what told her that he was in   trouble.  Hiccups saved my baby boys life.   Well, God saved his life but through hiccups he spoke to us.  Yep, that God of ours is amazing.  And so is my son, my little hiccup.

My Birth Story - Part 2

As we climbed in the truck I asked Dana if we should call our parents.  It had felt weird to leave the house without telling Aaron and Nicole, who were watching TV as we left.  I called our parents and told them what was going on, it's probably no big deal.
By the time we pulled up to the hospital it was after 9.  We parked, and walked for what seemed like eternity to the door.  It was very quiet at the women and children's pavilion at this hour in fact, when we walked through the double doors the security guard stopped us, wanting our name, "Swanson".  He looked down at this little slip of paper and said, "go on up"  They had told him we were coming.
The elevator ride was long, then once at triage we had to wait for our "papers" to come in.  So we sat, in silence.  I wasn't scared, I don't think I was even anxious.  I was afraid that I had over-reacted and this was going to cost a fortune.  Finally the nurse came to retrieve us.  Her name was Ginger, and I will never forget her.  Triage is set up in a way that each "room" (an area of floor that is marked off by hanging curtains) were stacked on top of each other.  Was I having an contractions?  Yes.  A few but not strong and not with any regularity.  Was I dilated?  I don't know, no one checked me.  (I had had an appointment 5 days earlier)  but I was also only 34 weeks. She asked more questions about my day how I had been feeling etc and then she had me undress from the waist down and lay on the table.  Dana and I were still joking around with each other, neither one of us ready for what was about to happen.  Ginger hooked me up to the monitors and right away I heard our little boys heartbeat, a sigh of relief.  She said, well, everything sounds good but we're going to keep you hooked up for a little bit.  I gave Dana the relief smile and asked him to call our parents and let them know.
What happens next is all a bit of a blur to me because it all happened so fast.  All I know is that no sooner had he finished telling our parents that everything was fine...than there were 5 people surrounding me.  One was putting oxygen on me, the other was stripping off my shirt to put a BP cuff on me. The gal that had come in and put the oxygen on me very calmly said, "he apparently doesn't like the position you're in mom, take some good deep breaths for me"  STOP THE TRAIN.  What was going on?  Not even 5 minutes ago everything was fine.  And now they were putting oxygen on me?  I knew enough to know that the oxygen was NOT for me but was for him.  What was going on?  A split second after that they were physically moving my body all over the table.. from my right side to my left side.  Avery's heart rate had all of s a sudden tanked and they were trying to find a position that would stabilize it.  I was freaking out but trying to continue to take deep breaths for my son.  Have you ever tried to cry and breath deeply at the same time (and with an oxygen mask on at that) ... it doesn't work well.  With so many people around me, I could not see Dana.  I needed to see Dana.  Finally our eyes met, he was calm.. I was able to relax...some.  They got me in a good spot and Sky, the midwife on call came in.  She began to explain to me that for some reason, Avery was not happy in his current situation and they weren't sure why (this entire time Ginger is holding my hand)  She said, "we're going to continue monitoring him, but I'm also going to contact the surgeon on call tonight"  I didn't really know what that meant.  And then she said, "you're not going ANYWHERE tonight, and you may be having a baby."  WHAAAAAT??? Ginger could sense the terror I was feeling and she moved the oxygen mask to the side.  "Should we call our parents back?" I asked.  She responded to Dana - " you may want to."  He got on that as I layed in a very uncomfortable position to keep my baby boys heart rate in a good spot.  The next person to enter was the anastesiologist, he asked about allergies and had me open my mouth and tilt my head back.  All for the sake of  " just in case"  I'm sure MY heart rate was sky rocketing because none of this sat well with me.  Then Sky returned with another woman.  She introduced herself as Dr. Welcome.  She was the surgeon on call.  She explained that they were hoping to get things figured out but if they couldn't I would need to have a c-section and she would be performing it.  Sky jumped in and very calmly expressed how sorry she was that it had to be like this and that they all understood that this was NOT my desire.  What could I say?  My number one desire was to have a healthy baby boy in my arms so let's figure this out!  Dr. Welcome also expressed that they would do whatever they could to make sure I was awake for the process and all would go well.  They both left.  Ginger remained by my side, as well as Dana.  A few more dips in Avery's heart rate in a matter of minutes and Dr. Welcome returned.  "So, we're going to take you down for a c-section.  You're little guy is giving us  no option, we need to get him out of there. If we get you down there and he seems okay we'll do a spinal and you'll be able to be awake, if he's not, we have to put you under and get things done more quickly."  Even with oxygen, I felt like I couldn't breathe!  HOW is this possible?  He's not due for another SIX weeks...I didn't have time to even think about all that that meant.  They were whisking me off, they handed Dana his operating room outfit and told him if I was awake, he could be with me, if they had to put me under he couldn't. He just nodded, then kissed me.  There were new nurses there and one of them told Ginger, we got it from here.  Ginger said, "I'm going with her" and she grabbed my hand and walked with me, by my side, all the way to the OR. 

In the elevator, Ginger asks me if I've ever been put under.  I replied, "No.  The last time I was admitted to the hospital, I was 3.. I cracked my head open and needed stitches."  We both nervously chuckle.  The next thing I know we are in a stark, VERY bright operating room.  Just like the movies.. it's clean, metal, cold and did I mention BRIGHT?  They had me actually get off the gurney and sit up on the other one.  They hooked me back up and immediately were rushing around me.. apparently Avery was NOT going to cooperate, he was unhappy and making it obvious.  This was all probably the scariest part for me.  I was alone in this room, no real communication other than direction from the nurses and doctors.  I was laying down in no time flat, naked from the waste down (modesty, what's that when your child is in danger?)  Oxygen back on my face, arms out to my side.  And a guardian angel.  So much was going on around me, I'm sure she could see the terror in my eyes because she kept whispering in my ear.  You're doing great, it's going to be okay.  You're so strong.  Meanwhile, Dr. Welcome had informed me that because of his heart rate they were putting me under.
The next thing I knew my legs were flung open and they announced they were inserting the catheter.  THE MOST PAINFUL thing I've ever experienced.  (Just sayin')  Slowly, it became harder and harder to breathe.  The anesthesiologist was talking to me and to others and I began to panic and get a little thrashy on the table, he put a hand on my shoulder (along with my guardian angel)  and said you're fine.  I said, "I can't breathe"  he said, "It's okay, if you can talk you can breathe" And again, my guardian angel telling me "you're doing great"  It's going to be fine, You're so strong... Seconds later I was waking up...

***As my dad explains the timeline I got a better idea of how fast it all went.  Dana called them said, you may want to come over here...they get in the car to drive to Everett from Snohomish.  By the time they're pulling into the parking garage, he calls back, "they're taking her in for a c-section" AND by the time they reach the 3rd floor, they could hear Avery crying.  We were admitted to triage around 9:30ish..Avery was born at 11:14.

This is the part I may get messed up because I was VERY groggy.  But Dana was at my side, they took me up to my room and I remember them telling me they were going to blow something up.  Sure enough something under me blew up like an air mattress and the slid me onto my bed.  My mom and sister came in and tearfully told me how beautiful my son was, Bridgette was there, she had a little video of Avery.  What was going on?  My eyes were open but I was NOT there.  I think it was like 3 in the morning...I'm pretty sure I fell back asleep.  My nurse showed me where the button was for the pain killer, she said, "don't let the pain get ahead of you.. or something like that."  I wanted to see my son...but could barely keep my eyes open.

This is my son, just moments old.  The first time I saw him was through this picture.  I don't recall how much time elapsed before I got to actually see my son.  I think it was that afternoon, they got me in a wheel chair and took me down, I got to hold him.  My heart melted.  But why did you have to come so early you little stinker.  Everything from the night before seemed like a distant memory now that I was holding my son in my arms.
I was on the 4th floor, Avery was on the 2nd floor.  The first 2 days, getting out of bed, even moving was painful for me.  It was very emotional to not be close to my son, to need help to get out of bed and for it to take every last bit of energy I had to go see him.  On the second day there, I went down in the morning, and then hoped to go back in the evening but by the time evening came I was in too much pain to go... my first emotional breakdown.  Why can't they have me closer to him.  Who is with him?  Everyone else was getting to see my son more than me!  I was discharged on the third day, but spent the afternoon in the NICU with my son.
Seventeen days postpartum and I cry as I type out the story.  It's not what I had planned, and yes, some days I feel robbed of a birth experience and other days I logically say to myself.. you had a birth experience, it was an emergency and traumatic but your son is here and beautiful.
Avery is still in the NICU and each day has it's own challenges.  Some days I go and sit all day with him, I feed him, I nurse him, I watch him as he sleeps and its beautiful.  Other days I can't stand to be in the hospital one more day and I cry and cry and cry and have to leave the hospital but that means I have to leave my son and then the guilt sets in.  It's a vicious cycle and I pray for God's strength to continue through and believe that HE has what's best for my son and will do as HE sees fit.  My story of our time in the NICU is a different blog and one I don't think I'll have the strength to write out for a while.. we're still walking through it and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

My Birth Story- Part 1

It's been just over 2 weeks and I figure I better get it written down before I forget...how could I ever forget??

March 13, 2012...It was a Tuesday.  The day before we had been to have an ultrasound of our baby son, he was measuring big but all was well, we even FINALLY got a cute ultrasound profile, he was sucking his thumb.

I woke up Tuesday and all was well.  I had a bowl of cereal and went about my business. I was on a mission that day, to clean out our big chest freezer and our regular fridge and freezer..which I did..  But I also had to make few more visits to the bathroom than usual...my stomach was just not normal...and was causing me some distress (if you get what I'm sayin')  Dana came home for lunch and I wasn't really that hungry so I passed.  About 2ish I decided a corn dog sounded good.  Now, I don't know what possessed me to eat a corn dog let alone TWO corn dogs when my stomach was acting up, but I did and didn't feel quite right the rest of the afternoon.  Tuesdays is the night we go to my parents for dinner, so when Dana got home from work we headed up to my parents, I still was not feeling great but I figured I would be fine, once I ate some "real" food.  My mom was making corned beef and cabbage in honor of St Patty's Day coming up.  We sat down to eat and immediately I knew I HAD to get up from the table.  I rushed to the bathroom and you betcha, those corn dogs were comin' up.  UGH.  But then I felt awesome, better than I had all day.  I sat down at the table and expressed that I should of just thrown up earlier and I would have felt better. So I sat down and proceeded to eat some dinner.  We sat and visited for a bit and then went home.  Once we got home, I was in the bathroom again...this time losing my dinner.  It was about 8:30 at this point and I asked Dana if I should call the midwives.  "Sure, why not?"  Well.. as I sat there with the little blue contact card in my hand and the list of reasons you may need to call.. I read - persistent diarrhea and/or vomiting.  It wasn't really persistent..just all day.  hahaha and I just didn't want to be  THAT neurotic first time mom.  So I asked Dana again...his response, "what's it going to hurt?"  And I also realized that I had only felt Avery once that afternoon - he had had the hiccups.  He is usually much more active and then I got scared.  I called and spoke to the midwife on call and without a beat she said she'd like me to go to the hospital for monitoring.  That is NOT what I expected.  I had expected to have her say that I should get some rest and call back in the morning or something.... but even now I never thought I would be having a baby.

Today's Creation

Over the past few weeks I've been slowly "collecting" paint chips from the local hardware stores.  For some reason, even though they are free, I feel as though I'm stealing something every time I grab a stack...Some of them were in fact to figure out what color we want to use for the stripe in Avery's room, but a majority of them were for this project I had seen in a similar format on Pinterest (surprise, surprise)  I just had something a little more detailed in mind.

I started by punching out all of the circles, borrowing a circle punch from a friend.  Last week  I sat on the couch and punched, and punched, and punched.

Yesterday I ventured out to Joanne Fabrics.  The original idea had used a wooden cross-stitch hoop and I wanted something a little fancier.  What I wanted to do was find something I could wrap ribbon around to class it up a bit.  Which in all reality a wooden cross-stitch hoop would have worked for that but I also had a vision of two hoops so I could do one color in the middle hoop and another on the outer hoop.  They only had a great big huge one and a teeny tiny one.  ARGH.  I had also seen one made with a wire wreath thingy, so I found one of those but it had too many "other" hoops and what not on it.  The thought of wrapping ribbon around it gave me a headache but I grabbed it anyway.  Luckily on our way out we came upon these tiny little gold rings... woot woot, they were going to be perfect!!

Yesterday:  I took all my punched circles and used my sewing machine to sew them all into rows.  Since there is writing on one side, I doubled them up.  I had 2 sizes and several different colors.  Also with the blue on the bottoms I used 4 of the circles and made a more 3D type thing folding them out.

Today:

I started by wrapping the gold hoops.  I used my glue gun to adhere the ribbon to start, periodically throughout and then at the end.

Next I needed to figure out how to attach the two hoops so that the smaller hoop would be centered.  I decided I would measure 3 pieces of ribbon all the same length and then sew them around both hoops.  

I was actually really excited at how that came out!!  

Next I cut 3 more ribbons all the same length and again sewed them to the hoop, these would be how it would eventually hang.  

And finally, I began tying all the strips of circles to the wire hoops.  I tied all the blue to the middle hoop and all the green to the outer hoop.  

This last picture you can see the colors a bit better, with the flash. 

I absolutely love how it turned out, with the exception that I ran out of circles, I may collect more paint chips and add a few more rows...but it's definitely okay how it is!  I just love creating and finishing!  It feels soo good! 

Are you a crabby christian???

If there is one thing that reeeally irks me it's crabby christians.  If you're reading this there is a good chance you have run into one of these in your lifetime and chances are, if you're a christian...are even guilty of BEING one at one point or another.  


A crabby christian is an individual that claims to be a follower of Christ but then decides that their behavior toward others doesn't need to REFLECT that they are a follower of Christ.  And really is pretty much the most hypocritical way a christian can act.  


**disclaimer** I realize I am up on a soapbox and I realize that at some point or another I have, and people I love have been guilty of this behavior but the more I see it in other people the uglier I find it and pray that I see it in myself less and less - or NEVER.  


I think the most often I see it, it's when believe it or not, someone saved by GRACE..forgets that fact when a non-christian or new believer enters their realm of comfortability and in an attempt to keep their world "safe" and "sacred"  they begin treating this "outsider" like a leper, like they don't belong, like they're not good enough.  And this is what i have to say about this... (even as a reminder to myself)  


John 13:35
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. - NIV


Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. - NLT


By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. -KJV


By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another. -NASB


So, get off your high horse and stop being part of the problem.. the hypocritical problem.  And start being part of the solution.  STOP expecting non christians to act or respond like christians and by all means when there is someone new introduced to your life, that is seeking out truth, making an effort to understand, learning to live life a new way... show love, show understanding, show compassion, and  don't for ONE second think you have the right to treat them like they are less because NEWS FLASH - YOUR ARE A SINNER too, you too are SAVED BY GRACE and FORGIVEN.  So humble yourself and LOVE instead of JUDGE.  

Finished Project

Currently I have A LOT of ongoing projects for Avery... today I decided I needed to FINISH something.  So, I started and finished a new project!

I have been collecting little outfits and decided I was going to organize Avery's closet.  I had seen some little organizer tabs on Etsy and thought, I can make something like that.. so I did.

I started with an old gift box (for the card stock)

And then I grabbed some old school scrapbooking supplies I had laying around and used some old oval and circle cutters as the template.  I actually made and hung a few before I found the size I really liked.

Then I used the cardboard as a template to to cut out the decorative paper for the front of the tabs.  Once that was finished I used spray mount to get a consistent full coverage of sticky! :) 

And then I scrounged up some old sticker numbers,

 again in my archaic scrapbooking supplies!! 

 And I began labeling all the tabs! 

 And then they were finished!  

So then it was time to organize the closet!!!  

I just can't wait to see my little man in his cute outfits!! 

Playing Catch Up

I can't believe my last entry was August 6th.  I was getting ready to go to the beach for a week. The day after returning from the beach I found out I was pregnant..sooo it kind of makes sense, things have gotten a bit shaken up since then.  

So, since August 6th, 2011:

I spent most of my first trimester sick and tired and getting up at 3:30 every morning to go to a job that was getting more and more stressful - understaffed, undersupported blah blah blah.. so in October of 2011 Dana and I made the very difficult and extremely faith based decision that I would quit my job.  Our original plan was that I would work as long as possible and we would cut way back and tighten up and pay off as much of our debt as we could before was a stay at home mom.  Well instead we stepped out in faith in a place where the numbers did not look good on paper but we really felt like I needed to leave that job.  Dana has said several times that it was the best decision we could have made.  He loves having me home, with the energy to take care of the house and do more cooking and lunch preparations and I have cherished this time before the baby comes of just enjoying my husband.  What happened since then has been nothing but miracle after miracle and blessing.
The Lord has been providing for us over and over again...
* The last weekend of my job, Dana had a swap meet that he took a bunch of stuff he had had for years to sell, he made over $800.
*The following week, a set of wheels and tires he had for sale sold.. $2,000.
*Our parents both having us over for dinner once a week to lower grocery costs for us
*The PUD guy that showed up to fix our light being my cousin who used his lift to cut trees down
* My best friend giving us the use of her crib and dresser for the baby
* My dad finding a hot smoke deal and buying us a new HE washer and dryer
*Finding out that I had stocks that we could sell from my job at Peet's $2,700
*Dana's bonuses being bigger than he thought (December's being double what we expected)
*A healthy baby boy arriving in April - Avery Robert
*Free wood to burn
*Dana finds $100 in a box in the garage
*Mona (Dana's mom)  gives $100 from a winning at the casino for her birthday
*2 different people giving me sacks of maternity clothes!

The list goes on and on and I feel like I should have been writing them down all along so that I wouldn't forget but it's been so amazing to watch God's provision in our lives and the way He has chosen to bless our little family.  I am in awe and speechless, frequently.

Going into this new year, I pray I will not forget or continue to look for all the amazing ways the Lord shows us he loves us and takes care of us.  We have an amazing God that loves us and loves when we put Him and His desires for our family first.

The end of an era....

Today I sit, with suitcase open, clothes stacked, a nice stack of books, ready to go to the beach.  A week I have been looking forward to for 9 months, but today I cry.  I cry as I walk through The Red House, headed to the laundry room.  Past the boxes stacked up in the corner, past Nicole's beautiful new couch.  I cry because it's the end.

It started 2 and a half years ago when I decided it was time to move back to Snohomish and live close to my family.  It started with 4 young ladies that for some reason thought it would be fun to bunk together and live with ME, they're crazy. Thus the journey of The Red House began.  Five women, in one house, loving the Lord and loving each other.  Charlotte, my friend and room mate from the 2 years prior had just started dating Kris when we moved in, so needless to say, she wasn't home much.  She was engaged and married before we'd been in the house 6 months.  So then came Morgan..and we were 5 again.  We cooked together, baked together, shared sob stories and blessings.  We had wonderful gatherings of laughter, games of chance and great food.  We also had late night talks and theological discussions and well, a lot of advice.  I didn't think much about it when it all started, I just knew that the Lord was going to make it work and that He did.  There was never any fighting (people never believed it)  I was just so excited to have these ladies in my home that I had known since they were in youth group.  I also had no idea they would watch me and how I dealt with life, life at 36 and single.  They would watch as I began falling in love with one of my very best friends on Sunday nights around the dinner table.  They would listen to me squeal with glee and stomp my feet in frustration as the relationship progressed...And they would be there the night he proposed, in The Red House Kitchen, crying for me, with joy.

Things started to change then, a MAN was moving into The Red House. Two of the gals had to move out, Kattie and Morgan found a place in Marysville.  Justine and Nicole stayed.  The living situation changed slightly, in that they took over one end of the house, kind of like small apartment.  We shared the kitchen and I've been told that Dana and I are really fun to live with.  I can only hope that how we have interacted will serve as a good example.

Two months ago Justine got engaged, an event that we all knew was coming.  We just didn't know when!  So Nicole started looking for another room mate.  A few interested parties, but nothing really came about.  Yesterday, Nicole told me she really felt a calling from the Lord to do something else and she had to move out.  I think a little in shock I told her I understood and that God would take care of it.  And He will, I've known that from the beginning of The Red House.

But today...today I sit here alone, with the reminder that the "girl house" is no more.  I sit here with the memories of the past two years and I cry tears of joy more than anything.  Joy that I was able to experience that, joy that I was soo blessed to be a part of these ladies lives and joy because I truly believe God has something amazing planned.

It's an end of an era, soon.  But it's the start of beginnings in so many areas.  Maybe those gals are like birds that needed a little stability before they took flight.  I can't wait to watch you all soar!  I love you all, more than you'll ever know.  I have loved what The Red House has meant in my life, and in all of yours.  Please know, the door is always open and that as Justine put it, will ALWAYS be Red House Girls!!

One Month

Is 4 weeks one month or can I only say I've been married one month on the day of my wedding?  Hmmm?  Who cares.  Either way, I'm married and love my husband and love my life.
The hardest part of this past month is the two weeks I've been back to work.  I had two weeks off for the wedding and honeymoon which was glorious.  The first day back to work was a whirlwind of catching up and trying to figure out what I needed to catch up on.  The second day was the hardest, it began to really sink in that now my job was going to get in the way of my life.  Okay that may sound a little dramatic but seriously.  I have to get out of bed and leave before my husband even wakes.  Don't tell me that doesn't suck.  But here is what happened and why today, I am okay, and how God made it okay.  In the first 3 days I was back I had several customers very excited to see me.  Some of them thought I was another manager that didn't make it through the drama of Redmond and some customers knew that I had gotten married so they were excited.  They all wanted to see pictures and hear all about it.  They also were very quick to tell me that they had heard I was a gorgeous bride.  Who doesn't want to hear that?  But then there are the customers that just make you want to hang up your customer service hat and call it quits.  I had just finished dealing with one of those peaches when I stepped in the back room to take 10 deep breaths.  I opened my locker (which I had not done yet) and there was a folded up piece of paper with my name on it.  Oh great, someones notice and I hadn't seen it yet.  I opened it up and it was from Lindsay.  A young gal from Idaho that had to move back to Idaho and her last day was while I was gone.  I began reading this letter and before I knew it tears were streaming down my face.  What hit me was this, " I honestly think you taught me so much not just about coffee, but about life and God....You have a huge heart and have a way of loving people wherever they are at in life.  Thanks for always looking out.  I will miss you and love you deeply."
THAT IS WHY I DO WHAT I DO.
It's not about me.  It's not about the things that make me want to pull my hair out...the busy little tasks, the customers that can't seem to smile and say please and thank you.  I have been put in this position to be a light, to share my heart and to love.  Isn't that why we've been put on this earth.  Period.
Oh and I also got a raise that week, that helped too.  ha!  But seriously, the bottom line is that for my entire life, I've wanted to be a wife and a mother and for the first time in my life I'm getting to be part of that and hoping and praying for the other.  And as I wait for the mother part, I was feeling like I this job thing was really going to get to me, God spoke truth and gave me peace that I can do this and I can enjoy it all by knowing that I'm doing it for Him.  Not for me.

Standing in the gap...

For as long as I can remember, yeah, because I was going to say for the past 10 years but I think even before that...my dad has either had delivered or delivered himself, flowers and a card to me on Valentine's Day.  He has been my faithful Valentine, full of unconditional love for me for a very long time, and I've adored it, and him.

This morning, I awoke, very, very excited about my first Valentine's with Dana.  Then, I felt a little twinge of sadness.  I knew that as exciting as having a Valentine was, it also meant that I would probably NOT get a valentine from my dad.  So I reminiced with the girls at work about the past 10 years, places I've been when getting those flowers, things the cards have said and just how blessed I was to have a dad that would stand in the gap willingly and be my valentine.

I was wrong, I got one last delivery today.  My dad showed up with 6 red roses and a card.  Just his presence made me want to cry, and I laughed and said, "oh this will be the last time"  and he laughed to and said, "um yes."   I may have been able to hold it together out front, but I took the card back to my desk and what he had to say there made my eyes leak.He told me how honored he had been to be my valentine for so many years and how thankful he was that the years that he couldn't step in, God was there.  He went on to tell me that he was very comfortable passing me off to the very capable hands of Dana and very matter of factly stated that if Dana loved me half as much as he did, we'd do just fine.  Oh and we will, I got home to a dining room table covered with different sized paper hearts, in the center was a beautiful arrangement of my favorite flower and a card.  A card that would make you sob if you read it, a card that was actually created, with paper, pens and glue.  But most of all, created from the heart of the man my dad has passed me to.  A man that adores me, a man that took the time to MAKE me a card because he "knew what he wanted it to say" We spent the evening doing exactly what I wanted to do.  We watched movies, had chinese and enjoyed each others company. 

I am a blessed woman.  May I never forget it. 

But it WAS a romantic getaway....

This time last year I was in a VERY different place in my life.  I had just begun to understand, or think I understood, what it meant to be content, what it meant to really allow God to be in control, what it meant to let the Lord turn your life upside down.  For this "planner" I was not too excited about that. On a rainy February day I stood on the beaches of Westport and told the Lord I would change my mind, that I would allow Him to be the one that made the decisions, that I would stop thinking that I knew what I wanted and that I had it all figured out.  I let HIM croon to me and was content knowing that He was the lover of my soul.  Don't get me wrong, I still know all those things but I had no idea that that heart change, that that faith and all the faith leading up to it would bring me to where I am today.  And it all began a short week after that day in Westport.


The following week was Winterblast, a youth retreat in Eastern Washington and as the name suggests, it's a lot of fun in the snow.  I was preparing for the weekend and beyond giddy.  I had not served at a youth event for over two years and I was sooo excited to be a part of this and be used by the Lord in this capacity again.  We were going to be there over Valentine's Day so I bought fun little things for the girls in my cabin and the Lord even prepared me for Valentine's Day in a devotion the few days before.  It was The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior (Who saves)! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest (in silent satisfaction) and in His love He will be silent and make no mention (of past sins, or even recall them); He will exult over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 Amplified Bible...I was ready to have a great weekend.  And THAT I did.  That weekend I was reminded what if felt like to be adored, to laugh from the depths of my gut, to have a smile stuck on my face and to do it all in the midst of loving God!  That weekend, I saw Dana Swanson for the first time as a man, as a man I could love, as a man I might just be attracted to, and it kind of freaked me out.  Laugh if you want to, but up until then, I saw him as a brother, a friend.  I have gone back and read my entries leading up to that weekend and then after that weekend and have actually shown Dana just which ones were written with HIM in mind.  You can too, most of them are.  I didn't know what had happened that weekend, what I do remember are a few things... I remember wanting ever so badly to spend every waking hour with him, because all we did was laugh and joke and have a good time, but then what kept ringing in the back of my head was how obvious it was going to be that we were always together if I did that and I didn't know what I was feeling so I didn't want anyone else thinking anything and I wanted to be a good example, but what I have found out since then is HE was doing what he could to MAKE sure I was with him as much as possible.  The other thing I recall is that on the actually evening of Valentine's Shane had bought several boxes of elementary style valentines.  He passed one out to everyone and had us write an anonymous note on them.   Because I had so recently been ministered to by the amazing verse in Zephaniah, I wrote THAT on there and prayed that whoever needed that as much as I did would get it but also secretly hoping it was Dana.  So Shane dumped them all back into this huge basket and then passed them all out again.  After it was all said and done, I approached Dana and was showing off my Lightning McQueen tattoo, when he pulled out the tattoo he had gotten, I recognized it and sure enough he had gotten the tattoo, I had written, I looked at him in awe and said, " hey that's mine!"  Apparently, he kept it.  
The months following were a modge podge of days where he would randomly call to ask a question, or me making Sunday night dinners a weekly event instead of sporadic, just so I could be sure to see him at least once a week.  He started using Facebook more, just to know what I was up to and posted status updates, just in case I cared where he was...and of course I did and on October 30th, when I decided to stop by the shop, my life would change, forever.  


Now, almost a year later...Winterblast is in 2 weeks.  I am engaged to the love of my life, my best friend.  A man that learned to love me, as a friend, long ago.  A man that I have respected for several years now, that has turned into a deep respect and excitement to spend the rest of my life with him.  I am so grateful, so in awe, so amazed at all the tiniest of details the Lord thought of.  And shhhh don't tell anyone but last year, Valentine's weekend, at Camas Meadows, WAS a romantic getaway...we just didn't know it.  

The Proposal

 We had only been officially dating for a few days when the conversation of a wedding came up.  I was flabbergasted and told him we were NOT having this conversation because at this stage in the game, I was only supposed to dream about that and giggle about it with my friends!  We ended up having that conversation where he told me that he had figured out his intentions before he ever opened his mouth...that October Saturday afternoon in his shop.  And that when the time was right, he was going to talk to my dad.  I had always dreamed of a man with enough integrity to care what my dads thoughts and feeling were on the subject...so I now had one more thing to respect him for.  

We patiently waited for my dad to return from a trip he had taken to Montana and on Saturday November 20, 2010 ( My birthday weekend!)  We made arrangements to go to my parents for the evening.  My mom knew what was happening but my dad did not.  I took my mom downstairs and gave her a massage to leave Dana and my dad alone.  I, of course, have only gotten bits and pieces of the conversation but the most important being the part where Dana told my dad that he thought I was an amazing woman, that he loved me and that he would like his permission to marry me.  My dad's response, SURE!   

Meanwhile, my mom and I are downstairs, and I am dying!!  I want to know everything that is going on, what is being talked about and when can we come back upstairs! ??  Finally my mom hollered up and asked if we could come up.  I discovered my dad had given his blessing and we sat down and talked about some details.  

My mom was overjoyed and was very excited to start telling people.  I told her she could but not by way of Facebook that for that she had to wait!  We had a toast and Dana and I walked back down to the red house.  My mind was reeling...I had to start planning a wedding, I had to do this and do that ... we walked into the kitchen and Dana looks perplexed.  He blurts out "this is all wrong."  " What's all wrong?"  I ask.  " THIS!   You're mom wants to start telling people, we're planning but I haven't officially proposed."  I felt bad and started to hug him, assuring him that it was going to be okay.  "  I can tell my mom NOT to tell people."  I did not want to get in the way of whatever he had planned, and did not want him to feel rushed or any of that.  But then he said, "No forget it."  and he dropped down on one knee in the middle of the kitchen floor my hands in his, Alice jumping around between us and he looked at me and said "Will you marry me?"  I cried, stood up hugged him and kissed him while of course saying YES!!!  

He had not planned on proposing on the kitchen floor but when it comes right down to it, the kitchen at the red house is where much of our falling in love had taken place, so it actually was absolutely perfect.  

Mrs. Swanson...

It's been a while since I posted an entry...I've had soo many amazing emotions streaming through my mind, heart and soul, it's hard to sit down and express them in words.  I am in the process of documenting the past 9 months so I will never forget every tiny little detail of Dana and I falling in love.  The Lord has been ever so gracious, slowly revealing to us, His hand in every last part of it, and it's amazing.  I'm pretty sure words can't do it justice, you pretty much need to see the smile on our faces and the glow in our spirits to know how blessed we feel.

 

The New Tenants

Butterflies have taken up residency in my stomach and lightning bugs are in my heart.  I hadn't been looking for these new tenants, didn't even know that there was a vacancy but they've moved in and I couldn't be happier.

They moved in on October 30th and I instantly began loving how much they annoy me.  You see, they apparently don't eat much but they're really good at fooling me.  They will flit around all morning and then all of a sudden be starving so I'll start to nibble on something only to discover the butterflies weren't really hungry.  They also have very strange sleep patterns, like they DON'T.  They party all night long and while I can usually trail off into a slumber for a little while, they're back at it before the sun rises, flitting around in my belly.   The butterflies have been around before...they tend to come and go and that's okay.  I know they will leave at some point and come around less and less, but that's okay.
 It's the lightning bugs that intrigue me.  It's the lightning bugs that I'd rather have take up permanent residency.  The lightning bugs in my heart are brand new to me.  They moved in a few days later and tend to be a little quieter during the day but when they're awake and going about their business, I cannot think straight.  It's like I'm a sparkler, with tingly electrifying shocks traveling up and down my entire body and as shocking as it is, I don't ever want them to leave.

I know butterflies and lightning bugs have taken up residency in other people I know and I've also seen people when they've moved out.  I wonder if anyone has tried as hard as I plan on to get them to stay.  I want to be hospitable and a good hostess.  I wonder if that comes just by acknowledging that they're there, and special.  I don't really know but what I do know is that I'm going to enjoy ever second that I have no desire to eat and every moment that I lay awake at the wee hours of the morning and will forever be in awe of the lightning bugs that make me feel like a sparkler on the fourth of July...

The Creator has spoken...

The author of The Brazilla Gorilla Balancing Act would like to publish a retraction.
You see it has become clear to her recently that she has a pretty good memory and may have been lacking in her faith the day she posted the last entry.
Because she DOES remember how to be vulnerable and take chances...that is ultimately what brings you the most excitement.
She knows all too well how it feels to want to talk and feel like you may never run out of things to say or that feeling that if you could just think of one more thing to say you wouldn't have to turn and walk away.
And where in she's not always selfless, she tries. and has been given a measure of compassion, from the Lord that in turn, will give her patience, if she needs it.

a bicycle built for two

is it possible to forget...

forget how to love?

sometimes I think I may have forgotten how to be vulnerable 

and take chances.  

sometimes I'm afraid I have forgotten how it feels to have a conversation that you never want to end, 

a moment that you can't turn away from.

sometimes I'm certain I don't know how to be selfless enough to be in a relationship, 

compassionate enough to listen 

patient enough to wait.  

and then sometimes, I think....

it MUST be like riding a bike.  

I hope it's like riding a bike,

 you never forget.  

I hope one day I will hop on and start peddling, knowing full well that there may be fear, and it may be shaky but if I just keep on peddling, it will straighten out and I can start coasting and enjoying the ride.  

overgrown emotion

Wow, today was a doozie.
Today I had a major break down..you know, those kind where you cry and sob so hard that you're taken back to those days when you were five when you cried so hard that you couldn't catch your breath.  That was me, today.

I live in the house my grandpa built back in 1950, it's on an acre of property and I love it.  The Red House, as we like to call it, has already been the  center of many fun days, evenings, weekends.  I have a vision for what it is meant to be and how I want things to be, including the acreage.  It all has a purpose in my head.  The dilemma, the reason for the complete meltdown?  I can't do it by myself.

I work a full time job, plus some.  I commute an hour to work, and an hour home.  So that leaves, really, my days off to get anything done around the house.  Well, for the past, oh, I dunno, 3 weeks, I have been trying to break down and put away the swimming pool that we set up for summer.  I don't know if you've done that before but it's a lot more complicated than I realized.  First, I poured in some bleach then while the water is still in it, I scrubbed out the bottom and sides.  Then, you drain the water, or most of it..the rest I had to sweep out and manipulate over the sides manually.  All of this has happened on different days in different steps, based on when I have gotten home from work while it was still light out and NOT raining.  So this week I'm faced with the fact that we're probably in our last sunny days of the year and I'm desperately trying to figure out how I'm going to get all the water out of this 18 ft wide, 4ft deep pool and then get it dry so I can roll it up and store it and NOT have it all moldy next summer when we unpack it.  On top of that, my dad is awesome and has been filling his truck up with wood from some trees he took down and I have already emptied one truck load into our woodshed, and this week he has another truck load for me.   I had college community group tonight that I was overwhelmingly excited for but it was my night to bring snacks, plus as said before it's probably the last sunny day for a while and the lawn needs mowing and the rose bush needs to be tamed and the trees need to be pruned and oh, there's the tarp hanging on the swing set, I need to brush that off and fold it up, and I need to do laundry, and go to the bank, and spray the weeds.  Plus, I would like to plant some bulbs but first I need to weed the front flower beds.  Alice's kennel needs to be cleaned, and while I'm in there the garage is a mess, I need to get rid of those boxes and ...
So I'm wrestling with this huge pool.  My dad had helped me yesterday, get most of the water out, laid it out in the yard to dry.  I took towels out to sop up what little puddles of water there were and started trying to fold it up.  Mind you, this thing is huge...and I'm trying to fold it up and roll it up and tie it up, by myself.  I finally started crying, and the crying turned to sobbing and then I was in a heap, sitting on the rolled pool.  What happened next is where  I know I  lost my mind...all I could think about was how when men have houses they just seem to take care of everything, how do they do it?  The men I know, work and come home and do chores around the house all the while acting perfectly normal..and some even take care of their families after that... how do they do it?  Then I started having this discussion with myself (in my head of course)  about my independence and how, well, I'm single and I wanted to live in this house so I need to figure out how to get this all done and if men can do it I can do it....NOT.  Sorry, if you disagree, sorry if you think we're all created equal, today I disagreed.  Because this is where BEING the helpmate would be so much easier.
So in mid sob, I marched up the driveway to my mom and dads.  My dad was plunking away on the piano, I walked into the living room, eyes swollen and red (well, and black from running and smearing mascara)  and he looked at me, and I blurted out in between sobs, " I think you should sell the red house"  and then he looked at me with the love that can only be found in men that live in households with more than one woman and he did not say anything he just hugged me.  And all I remember saying, over and over was, " I just can't do it." and I rambled off the list of things in my head that needed to be done at the house and repeated, " I just can't do it by myself."  And he very matter of factly said, "well you don't have to, WE can do it"  and my response was (in another blubbering sentence)  "but you shouldn't have to"  And he said,  sure I do, I'm the man in your life right now, so we'll do it."  and then he hugged me again.  My mom came in at some point and I'm sure with the hysterics going on was sure that someone or something had died but she soon figured out what was going on and lovingly nodded as my dad explained how he could and would help.

The pool is put away, my DAD unloaded the last truckload of wood, and I feel 10 times better just by having a good cry.

I still don't know when things will get done or when I will have a yard that comes anywhere close to the one I want.  But I do know that I worry too much and what the Lord keeps trying to tell me is KNOCK IT OFF.  I have a plan and you keep fretting over it... chill out because you are loved.  Ohh yeah, what it comes down to?  I am loved.  I am loved by a very powerful God, who gave me loving parents that I so LOVE living next to and I am privileged to be living in my grandmas old house and be living with 4 very wonderful ladies, who the Lord has put specially here.  So if the grass gets a little tall, or the rose bush takes over the clothes line, so be it.  I am loved and have a blessed life.

I worry...

 22 And He said to His disciples, "For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat ; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. 
23 "For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 
24 "Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap ; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds !


Today I had chores on my list of things to do, lately though, on my list has been worry about how I'm going to pay for the missing room mate in The Red House.  I don't intend to worry, it just happens.  In fact, I have even had to tell myself over and over again that last year when I spoke to my parents about moving into the house I knew that God would have just the right group of ladies there, all the time.  Shortly after that we went through our first transition when one of the first got married and now we are going through our second transition with another taking off on an adventure to Idaho.  This time though, we are nearing rent being due and do not have a replacement.  My worry is that I can't afford to pay both my rent and the missing rent too, or my utilities and the missing utilities.  BUT God knows that so I just ask for peace and pray for the perfect gal to come along.  


One of my chores today was to stack some firewood.  A task that I really dislike, but I'm so thankful that my dad is donating it so we'll be able to use the wood stove instead of the gas heat this winter.  The other gals were busy doing what they had to do today so I was on my own to unload the truckload of firewood.  A wonderful man I know offered to help, but I knew full well, he had his own chores to tend to so I went about unloading the firewood.  It was humid and drizzling and pretty miserable but it was also quiet.  I took the opportunity to talk to the Lord, it was casual conversation, but as usual, lately, my prayers were laced with worry...about my future.  God had 2 answers for me.  

His love and watchful eye are everywhere.  He reminded me that He loves me and that I need not worry.