What I thought IS...is not what I thought, I thought.

Sometimes I ain't so smart, ya know, but when sincerely looking for answers...you will always get one.

For the longest time, I have had a vision of what I thought my life would look like...and as I've gotten older have grasped and clamored to hold on to that dream and that hope.

Recently a very dear friend of mine, not meaning to, blurted out something that the minute it left her lips, she knew had probably scarred me for life. I am still not sure I'm okay with it but it is what it is and I by no means hold her and her honesty responsible. And it made me think...and it made me begin searching for some answers.

Yesterday while quietly combing the beach, Alice pulling me along in the pouring down rain, I was asking God for a little treat. I've learned that finding a heart shaped rock makes you feel like you've been kissed by God sooo really I was hoping to find the biggest, shiniest, most perfect heart shaped rock, so that I would know, life was going to be okay. But while looking for those rocks, one question kept playing over and over again in my mind... Would you change your mind? If I asked you, would you change your mind? I didn't know if I could (still am not sure if I have)...I kept walking, almost ignoring the question, feeling like it would all be okay if I could just find that stupid heart shaped rock. I came upon this small patch of pebbles, and shells and drift wood. I looked down and in the midst of this pile of pebbles was a heart shaped shell. Wow that's cool, ohhh man, I was excited, this is way better than a dull, gray heart shaped ROCK..it was a beautiful white heart shaped shell. As I continued to meander down the beach, I got more and more excited as it seemed, every step I would find another heart shaped shell. And when I was done combing the beach, I heard the question again... Would you change your mind? I did. I was searching high and low for what I thought was the most coveted on the beach, a heart shaped rock....but what I was given was so much better. How long has the Lord been trying to tell me that what I have longed for, what I have hoped for, what I have hung on to...is merely a heart shaped rock in my my life....when what he wants to give me, what he wants to show me is the shell. I emptied my pockets when I got home and I actually got 9 heart shaped shells yesterday...maybe 10.

Valentine's Day is easy...

It's simple really... all I really need or want in a Valentine is someone that will laugh with me and knows how to love me. Whew... I bet if men knew that they wouldn't be so content being single. Women, or I should say I am not as high maintenance as one would think.

I love to laugh, and not just a quick little snicker but really a gut rolling giggle... a chortle, guffaw, HOWL. And this obviously is better done WITH someone! But it can be created in so many ways. It can be in the middle of a very serious conversation, snuggled up on the couch, when you choose to laugh at the seriousness of life. It can be at funny childhood face-making, like just spontaneously sticking out your tongue. It is done deepest to the core with those that you have built friendship and repoire with because the stories that are laughable go straight to your deepest places. It can be done on a bike, on a beach, in a car. In a plane, on a walk or in the store....

and as I type that I begin to smile, just thinking of all the past guffaws.... I really am easy, because as I remember all the past chortles my heart begins to warm and I realize all the love that is wrapped up in laughter.

Make me laugh, make me guffaw, make me chortle from the depths of my sole and you have begun to know how to truly love me.

Blackened Rainbow with a side of clouds...

Life is hard. Life is lonely at times. Okay for me, life seems lonely a lot. But yesterday, I was driving across the 520 bridge... clouds and wind behind me as I was driving into what looked like the blackest could I have ever seen. There was not an ounce of sunshine in sight... but yet, I looked off to the right and saw a rainbow. A RAINBOW!! How is that possible? (and I don't want a scientific answer to that, it's rhetorical) I KNOW how it's possible for me, God saying, in the midst of what seems like complete darkness, I am here. Hope is there, even when you don't WANT to acknowledge it. He placed a rainbow in the most unexcpected place, in hopes that I would maybe, just maybe, finally get it that HE is my hope.

BURN BABY BURN

I can't figure it out. I can't figure out why I keep going round and round in this same circle. It's like a roller coaster- merry go round except there's nothing "merry" about it. I want off this ride but can't seem to figure out how to do it. Do I not have the strength or not have the heart or will God not let me... ? For far too long my journals say the same thing over and over again, asking God for the same help and crying over the same sentences. All I can think is that I want to burn my journals. I only have myself to blame. Or do I? I feel schizophrenic, scattered, lost, found, mad, sad, hopeful yet hopeless. I want to climb under the covers and hide for days... I want to climb a mountain and scream from the top of it. I want to climb out of my skin and I want a hug. And guess what... it'll pass, until next time.

Dimmer Switch

sometimes I do this thing...and I never really know I'm doing it until I'm deep in the midst of it. I turn off God. Not totally, not like an on/off switch, but more of a dimmer switch. I dont' mean to, rather I don't try not to. I just get soooo overwhelmed with life that is right in front of me that I forget to shut up and be still. The irony of it all is it's exactly the time when I need to be...quiet, that is, and listening, and trusting God to give me the strength to get through the stress but somehow I dim that switch, that God switch and start going about my business and slowly start losing my mind. Well this has happened again recently and what made me come to this realization is how AMAZING God is when I decide to turn Him back on. I do hit bottom and then I remember how badly I need my savior, and how badly I need His strength and his direction and His wisdom. I ask for forgivness and put Him back in the spotlight of my life to let Him lead me and guide me. A couple of weeks ago, I started being quiet again, started listening and paying attention, again and sure enough, He as still there, waiting for me. Such a patient God! He told me that I needed to start preparing for a leap... but that not to fear because HE would help me fly. I want to fly...but you can't just stand still and take flight, you have to run and jump. Well I did and so far... things look good from up here... things look good from this flight. Why does the Lord love me so much? I certainly don't deserve it. If only I would remember that every day I hit bottom without the love of Christ, everyday I need HIS strength and love and mercy...

So after all the run ins with dragonflies...and my earlier post... tonight, we're at dinner with The Tuttle's and Rylee starts drawing a picture, I look over and can see that it's a flying creature and I ask her, "Rylee, is that a butterfly or a dragonfly?" She says, " a dragonfly" I sat amazed for a little bit and then told her how much I loved it but also begged her to keep it so I could put in on my fridge. Just one more reminder that it's time to fly out that open door... now I just need to find the door.

The Dragonfly...

I love things that fly.. especially butterflies and dragonflies. In Mexico, was my first real interaction with butterflies as they were my guide on many glorious walks on the beach with God.. they would dance in my hair and at times, I think I could hear them singing to me. I haven't seen many butterflies this year. In Oregon, on a visit to see my mom, I actually bought a pendent made with a butterfly wing and I told my mom that it was to symbolize that one day I will come out of this cocoon and be a beautiful butterfly.. one day I will fly. I have been doing some serious evaluation on my life and yesterday as I was on my way out I saw 3 dragonflies and they weren't' just flitting around one almost smacked into my windshield as I was driving down the road. I love them... I think they are the most beautiful, awkward, flying creature. They seriously just look clumsy to me. (kind of like myself... a bit big and clumsy.) This morning as Charlotte and I sat in our living room, she doing her homework and me reading a book I heard this bizarre noise... it was a very large dragonfly that had gotten inside and was between the blinds and the window. He kept flying around and then back at the window. The door just to the left of the window was WIDE open but he didn't want that, or didn't know how to find it.....
I decided I wanted to know more about this clumsy creature. And well, the funny thing is that a dragon fly has 6 legs but cannot walk. A dragonfly can only FLY. I want to fly through life, soar and even if I'm big and clumsy and look silly to some, I want to do it anyway. How often do I sit and gaze out the window wondering what it would be like on the other side, when there is a WIDE OPEN door right next to me?
We let him hang out for a bit and then I went over and tried to prompt him along... for his safety and with a little prompting he flew toward me but then right out the door and into the sky.
It is said in some Native American beliefs that dragonflies are a symbol of renewal after a great time of hardship.
Maybe seeing them is just the prompt I needed to move a little to the left and fly through the door.